O Allah,
as I lie here wounded,my spirit broken
I hear in my head the judge's voice as he pronounces me guilty.
The sentence I've to serve is in your words:
"The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication
flog each of them with a hundred stripes;
let no compassion move you in their case,
in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye
believe in Allah and the Last Day;
and let a party of the believers witness their punishment"
Two years ago, on a sunny day, while at the souk
my eyes were caught by those of Rahman,
the most handsome man I have ever met.
After that day, I couldn't help but
notice his presence whenever I went to the marketplace.
I was thrilled when I learned that
his appearance on the bazaar was not a coincidence.
One day he suggested we meet in secret,
and I said, 'Yes'.
As the months went by,our relationship deepened.
What is more, out of our love a new life started to grow.
Our happiness did not go unnoticed and before long,
envious eyes gave way to malicious tongues;
'Let's ignore these people', Rahman and I said to each other,
'and trust in Allah's mercy'.
Naive, young and in love perhaps,
but we thought that your holiness
was on our side.
Rahman and I shared affection, trust
and a deep respect for each other,
how could Allah disapprove?
Why would he?
When I was sixteen my father broke
the news to me in the kitchen.
"You are going to marry Aziz;
he is from a virtuous family and he will take good care of you".
My wedding day was more of a celebration of my families than of mine.
Once in my marital home my husband approached me,
Ever since then I recoil from his touch,
I am repulsed by his smell, even if he has just had a bath.
Yet, O Allah I obey his command sanctioned by your words
I let him take me because each time I push him away he quotes you:
"They ask thee concerning women's courses
Say: they are a hurt and a pollution
So keep away from women in their courses,
and do not approach them until they are clean
But when they have purified themselves,
Ye may approach them in any manner, time
or place ordained for you by Allah
For Allah loves those who turn to him constantly
And he loves those who keep themselves
pure and clean."
O Allah, most high
You say that 'men are the protectors
and maintainers of women,
because, you have given the one more strength than the other'.
I feel, at least once a week the strength of my husband's fist
on my face.
O Allah ,most high
Life with my husband is hard to bear,
but I submit my will to you
My husband supports me from his means,
therefore I am devoutly obedient,
and I guard in my husband's absence
what you would have me guard.
But my husband, maintainer and protector,
fears disloyalty and ill conduct on my part;
he accuses me of being ungrateful to him;
He always finds a reason to doubt my loyalty to him
And after a series of threats and warnings
he starts to beat me.
O Allah, most gracious, most merciful.
Just as you demand of the believing woman
I lower my gaze, and guard my modesty.
I never display my beauty and ornaments;
not even my face or hands.
I never strike with my feet in order to
draw attention to my hidden ornaments,
not even at parties.
I never go out of the house unless it is absolutely necessary;
and then only with my father's permission.
When I do go out I draw my veil over my bosom as you wish.
Once in a while I sin.
I fantasize about feeling the wind
through my hair
or the sun on my skin, perhaps
on the beach.
I day-dream about an extended journey through the world,
imagining all the places and people's out there.
Of course, I shall never see these places or meet many people
because it is so important to guard my modesty in order to please you, O Allah.
So I cheerfully do as you say and cover my body from head to toe
except while I am in the house and with family members only.
In general I am happy with my life.
However, things have changed since my father's brother, Hakim is staying with us.
He waits till I am alone at home and comes to my room.
Then he orders me to do things to him,
to touch him in places most intimate.
Since he is with us I took to the habit of
wearing the veil inside in order to deter him.
That doesn't stop him though.
Twice now he unveiled me, ripped my inner garments and raped me.
When I told my mother she said she would take it up with my father.
But my father ordered her - and me - not to question his brother's honour.
I experience pain each time my uncle comes to see me.
I feel caged, like an animal waiting for slaughter.
I am filled with guilt and shame;
and I feel abandoned,
yet I am surrounded by family and friends.
O Allah,
Hakim is gone, now that he knows
that I am pregnant.
The verdict that killed my faith in love is in your holy book.
Faith in you..., submission to you...
feels like... is self betrayal.
O Allah, giver and taker of life.
You admonish all who believe to turn
towards you in order to attain bliss.
I have done nothing my whole life
but turn to you.
And now that I pray for salvation,
under my veil,
you remain silent like the grave I long for.
HD
