浴火鸟

Sergey Festisov

等待快乐，就很快乐。

——Lessing

我不愿以时间顺序来回顾过往。但又无法忘记他第一次出现在机库门阶上的情形。我惊喜于曾经听过的一种说法成为现实——一种纯粹又强大的阳刚之美可以创造无垠浩瀚。这正是他第一次走进屋子里时我的感受，那时我正在执行评估飞机的任务。当听到敲门声时，我大喊道：“进来！”当我回应拜访时，我无须查看是谁。（我有可以无视拜访者而继续工作的小特权）然而，我意识到那不仅仅是个好奇的飞行员，也肯定不是给我们最新报告的技术员。他是……

无形的光束从他美丽的眼睛深处射出，就像一道X光穿透了我，使得我抬起头来。目光交汇，我看到了他柔软和善的微笑，那不是我时常见到的那种讨好的假笑。这份微笑似乎在吸收和品评着它所向着的人。我早前已经听说过他，但直到那时才第一次见面，于是就明目张胆地看着他。我还记得当时他就像一束阳光——深秋时节的稀客——刚好这样一束阳光也悄悄溜进机库，映在他的脸上，凝住了。罗曼微微眯起眼睛，摘下头盔和帽子，看着我，微笑依然。那一瞬间，我忘记我的工作、飞机、地图和所有的评估。这并非毫无缘由。他黑色的头发和清澈的蓝眼睛——正如倒映着阳光的湖泊——像一块强磁吸住了我。内里的声音不停地告诉我别盯着他看了，但却无法说服我垂下目光。很显然，罗曼已经习惯了类似的反应，他的脸颊烧成了落日般的绯红。突然，他眉头一皱。我尝试把目光从他脸上移开，这才意识到自己手中的笔已经掉落了。我咕哝了一声抱歉，刚要弯身找笔，却差点撞上罗曼的额头；他恰好也同时弯下身子，并且已经找到了。我们坐在半靠近桌子底的地方，目光再次相遇。他的眼睛倒映出粼粼的阳光。他朝我伸出手，轻轻地揉了揉我额头被他撞到的地方。噢！

爱，你这心灵的统领！你对我们做了什么？我立马想站起来，但在他的目光中，我仿佛被粘在那里无法动弹，直接靠在了桌子腿上。

“别着急，让我们聊聊天吧！”他的眼睛说，一边仔细观察着我的脸。

“有人会进来的，”我的眼睛不那么情愿地告诉他，转向了开着的门，随即又转回到他脸上。

“没事。我们不过在找一支钢笔而已，不是吗？”他的眼睛试图打消我的顾虑。

“是的，”我的呼吸回复道。我的心慢慢融化在爱情的金色辉光中，两颗心找到了彼此，确信无误。我们靠得如此之近，我的呼吸开始和他一致。一条秘密小径在我们之间铺展开来，告诉我们，这正是我们长久以来一直寻找着的彼此。他柔和的微笑让我在强大的情感中眩晕，他天空般清澄的蓝眼睛，温柔地邀请我走进这一片新发现的奇妙世界。恍惚中，我完全忘记了小心。我决定快点站起来。他的手掌迅速伸到我后脑勺，护住我的头免遭一撞，让我又一次跌坐下来。他友善地笑出声来，伸手扶我站起，自我介绍道——罗曼。这足以打破魔咒，所以我也介绍了自己，感到终于松了口气。在这清醒的片刻，我们开始谈天说地，想到什么就聊什么。

该吃晚饭了，但我们忘记了时间。直到分别的时刻，才想起来我们还没有告诉对方最重要的事：在此生中，我们不再孤单。军旅生活的鬼日子不再让我们恐惧，因为……当时还有许多我们没能告诉对方的事情。我们以为能够一起度过漫漫的时光海洋。然而，在那个深秋，那个把春天带入我们生命的十一月，却决定用离别来考验我们。很快，在我们第一次见面后，罗曼的连队被临时调离。整整一个月，我们的仅有的交流只能通过信件和电话进行。谁知道事情会变成什么样呢？如果……我仍然不明白团长（老人家）是怎么猜出来的，但是当他直截了当地问我想不想见罗曼时，我没有半点犹豫地回答“想”。老人家诡秘地咧嘴一笑，开玩笑地捏了捏我的鼻子……一天以后，机库门突然间被蛮力推开，如果有时间考虑，我还以为是外头狂风肆虐的缘故。不过，没来得及多想，两只有力的手就从肩膀后面伸过来，环绕住我的胸膛，温暖的、胡子拉碴的脸颊轻轻贴住了我，滚烫的嘴唇在我耳边轻轻低喃着亲昵爱慕的问候。在罗曼噙住我的嘴唇之前，我转过头来，发现门慢慢关上了。我瞥见到门后老人家满意的微笑。罗姆卡也注意到他了，但丝毫不受影响。现在，他是我的了，我的罗姆卡，我的罗曼。那时正是1971年的12月底。

Waiting for joy is joy in itself.

——Lessing

I would prefer not to look at the past chronologically, but it is impossible not to remember the first time he appeared at the doorstep of the flight house. I was surprised and delighted to find the confirmation of an idea I once heard-that the presence of an unadulterated and powerful male beauty can create the feeling of never-ending vastness. That is what I felt when he first came into the room where I was fulfilling my duties and evaluating the flights. When I heard the knock on the door, I yelled, "Enter!" I replied to the greeting without seeing who was talking to me (I was allowed to carry on working irrespective of who came into the room). Then I understood that it was not just a curious pilot and definitely not a technician who wanted to give me the latest report. It was the person who...

Invisible beams coming from the depth of his beautiful eyes shone through me like x-rays and made me raise my head. Once our eyes met, I saw his soft and kind smile. It was not a fawning smile like the ones I often saw. It seemed to absorb and evaluate the person it was addressed to. I had heard about him but only then saw him for the first time, and I looked at him with open curiosity. I remember comparing him to a ray of the sun—a rare visitor in late autumn— who had also sneaked into the flight house. The ray settled on his face and froze. Roman slightly narrowed his eyes, took off his helmet and hat, and looked at me, his smile unaltered. In that one moment, I forgot about my work, the flights, the maps, and the evaluations. It was not without a reason. His dark hair and clear-blue eyes-images of lakes reflecting the sunlight— pulled me in stronger than a magnet. My inner voice persistently kept telling me to stop staring at him but couldn't convince me to lower my eyes. Apparently, Roman was used to similar reactions. His cheeks burned scarlet like the setting sun. Suddenly, he frowned. I tried to move my eyes away from his face and realised that my hand was no longer holding the pen. I mumbled an apology and bent down to look for it but almost immediately hit my forehead against Roman's; he had bent down at the same time and already found my pen. We were sitting halfway under my desk, and our eyes met again. His eyes, reflecting the bright flickers of the sunlight, were smiling, and his hand reached toward my forehead to softly rub the place he had hit. Oh!

Love, you ruler of the hearts! What are you doing to us? I immediately wanted to get up, but his eyes kept me glued to the place and even made me lean against the foot of the table.

"Don't hurry; let's talk," said his eyes, carefully studying my face.

"Someone can enter," my eyes unwillingly told him, turning toward the open door and then back to his face.

"That's all right. We are just looking for a pen, right?" his eyes tried to reassure me.

"Yes," I replied with only my breath. My eyes were slowly melting in the golden light of love created by the two hearts that had found each other, and they were looking for confirmation that I was not mistaken. We were so close that I started breathing in time with him. There was a secret path that was about to unfold between us and show us that we had, indeed, been looking for each other for the longest time. His gentle smile made my head spin from the powerful emotions. His clear-blue eyes, the colour of the sky, softly invited me into this newly discovered and wonderful world. In my confusion I had forgotten to be careful. I decided to quickly stand up. His palm swiftly covered the back of my head and softened the blow, which once again made me sink down. He let out a good-natured laugh, offered me his hand for support, stood up, and finally introduced himself-Roman. It was enough to break the spell, so I introduced myself and once again felt free. We used this moment of clarity to start talking about everything we could think of.

It was dinnertime, but we forgot about it. When it was time to part, we realised that we hadn't told each other the most important thing: we were no longer alone in this life. The ugly and scary world of the army no longer frightened us because... There were a lot of things we didn't tell each other that time. We felt there was a vast ocean of days in front of us that we would cross together. However, the late autumn, the November that had brought spring into our lives, decided to test us through separation. Soon after our first meeting, Roman's company was temporarily relocated, and for the whole month, our only communication was through letters and phone calls. Who knows how everything would have turned out if...I still don't understand how the commander of the regiment (the Old Man) guessed, but when he asked me directly if I wanted to see Roman, I answered "Yes" without the slightest hesitation. The Old Man broke into a sly grin, playfully pinched my nose, and...a day later the door of the flight house burst open with such force that, had there been time to think about it, I would have concluded that a violent storm was raging out-side. However, before even a single thought had entered my head, two strong hands touched my shoulders and then my chest, and a warm unshaven cheek gently pressed against mine. Burning lips whispered something into my ear in husky tones-words of endearment or greeting. Before Roman possessed my lips, I threw my head back and noticed that the door was slowly closing, and behind it I glimpsed the satisfied smile of the Old Man. Romka also noticed him, but he almost never let those around him influence his behaviour. Now he was my Romka, my Roman. It was the end of December 1971.