我不是什么电影爱好者，也没有什么高级的品味，我来看这部电影只是因为我最近很迷德普。德普回忆自己在Hollywood Vampire登台时有一瞬间恍惚，自己是艾德伍德啊，是剪刀手爱德华啊，怎么会跑到一群音乐家中来呢。那时候我就觉得这两部电影对他来说真的很重要吧。
总之，所以我要用破碎的语言来描述一下我对于这部片子的三个印象。
1. 最幸福的与最不幸福的人
无疑，艾德伍德不是一个非常幸运的人，他所选择的事业，他究极一生追求的东西根本就不是他的天赋所在，他到死亡的那天也没能得到行业和观众的认可。即使是现在，他也是因为过分而盲目的乐观出名而不是电影。但同时，我们同样觉得艾德十分幸福。他拥有一生都找不到的答案，他明白自己人生的sweet spot在哪里。这份热情是一路走来的全部动力，他为此受苦，但是精神上的满足应该是让他充实的吧。
除去事业，艾德也无疑是一个幸福的人。他喜爱的明星最终能够与他成为朋友，与他分享人生和苦难，虽然麻烦，但是也许幸福。谁能知道呢，那种深切的，被依赖的幸福，和拥有一个交心朋友的快乐。
吐槽：
德普戏里戏外都是忘年交啊，总是那个为了朋友做蠢事的人。
2. 生死和金钱、名誉
全剧似乎哪一个角色都比一味地天真，乐观到傻逼的主角艾德伍德更有人情味，其中老贝拉则是全剧里最有风度也最吸引人的一个角色。平时他像一位彬彬有礼的绅士，带着老年人的愤世嫉俗和过气明星的自持，是个难啃的老骨头，但是骨子里的风度还是有的。他对自己的事业有着要求，对工作无比敬业，也是因为如此，当我们看到他扎了针跳进水塘跟章鱼扭打在一起的时候会是那么的心酸。
当然，更心酸的还是他在戒毒所里为来采访他的狗仔的到来沾沾自喜的样子。他还想着自己有好起来的那一天，想着能靠小报的热度重回巅峰。
屏幕外的我们明白，74岁的老人，20+年的吸毒史，能够安详的都过晚年都似乎是个不能够完成的事情。
生病，有钱没钱完全是两种治法，这件事在剧中并不是一个主要的点，但是因为个人经历，我还是非常常感慨。作为一个母亲患病只能用进口药但是国家只报销国产药的人，作为亲眼见到有人在网上卖肾给家里人住院的人，作为刚刚上缴两份保险的人。我真的不能够平息心中的愤怒，但是更多的是无奈和惋惜。我痛苦，但没办法改变任何事。
市场能够调配一切，但人心呢？我们能给健康设置价钱嘛？
3. 世事无常
谁能想到著名的女士居然会跑来演筹不到款的烂片。
4. 关于追求艺术成就
Together with a interview I just watched with the writer of Tusk. I have been greatly encouraged to know that whatever your dream is, you gotta chase it. That writer, Kevin Smith if my memory serves me right, had once said, "You have stories, and every story is a good one. If you cannot make a full version of it, do a cheaper version of it, change it a bit, just don't stop telling your story." I has been a inspiration for me personally regarding how much I am incapable of even finding my own dream, not even mention to chase them eventually.
5. reflection on my own life
I was an art student.
By that I mean that I do art in a very formal way. I started with sketch at the right age, doing it professionally with the right kind of teacher helping me. I wasn't a diligent student in any sense, I just had enough talent to actually come to the second place in the studio - of course I am not the best one. I have never been the best one my entire life.
Anyway, that kind of education is flawless in the sense of teaching you the technic. The so call USSR-influenced way of teaching have served me well in learning how to observe things and to capture the best light. It had changed my mind and had made me believe that it was the right way to do things. I thought realistic was the only way to express my feelings.
But I never was and, no matter how much I try, would never be one who can really get used to frames and rules. I obey them, I respect them, I don't play the most decent kind of trick that can give me a privilege over things but kind of, only kind of, disrespect the rules. I just don't. Rules and restrictions had and will always tame me from the outside, but never the inside. Deep inside, I have the urge and enthusiasm to be ejected outside, through my horrible art, through my stumbling words, and through my awful scratches on the paper or spells that relies on spell check excessively on the screen. I know I have it, but i never had the chance to face it with all sincere, in the right climate with the best temperature and moisture, through the right light and the sound voice, sitting the opposite side of the table from a dear friend that knows you spiritually.
I was a shame for me, and the kind of education I had received.
Yet there's something more. Just having un-tamed thoughts towards the world makes me a standard youngster typical for the world after industrial revolution. Only if I have the courage to breakthrough and to show myself I would be one of those rebels, enjoying the freedom won by themselves, and get praised for doing what they should have done really. A step further would be becoming a real artist, writer, or anything like that that may encourage the generation, to inspire the world for sure, and to live a life as a legend.
I am a coward. I dream, but I am too afraid to lose, even online I would fear the possibility of not getting liked. I tried to open a fake account talking shit to people and to be hated. To tear that layer of disguise around me apart and to become a real one for the first time. Not to live a easier life, just to get myself see what's really inside me.
As a child I dreamed of being a literally almighty girl, having the power of controlling her heart as pilling an onion. I dreamed of me having the ability to disguise differently as different kinds of person around others, being tired but looked witty. At that time I thought putting on masks and keeping them was difficult. However, through out the years I finally realize that the process of putting things on is much easier than pilling them off. It's hard to be honest, especially to be honest to yourself. Life truly is an all-live show, and the saying of "acting sophisticated is easy, what's really hard is to play innocence" applies as well.
I cannot face the inner side of myself, and all that possibility of getting criticized. I have a unrealistically high standard for myself, and, unfortunately, waste my life entirely because of that - I'll never be as good as I want to be. I promise myself not to touch illegal/some legal drug at all cost, because I know how pessimistic I am, and , how easily I can get addicted to them. I already live a life stoned without them, and I certainly don't need them for getting more miserable. I take all non-positive comments as a negative ones, all positive ones as compliments only, and find all that I have conquered easy afterwards.
I don't get happy enough. That pushes me forward and tied me to the ground at the same time.
正片
